Sweeter- Part II


It will be serialized over the next several days…the ending will be marked in the classic styling…



“I miss Kyle.”

“No, you don’t,” Sarah flatly stated. “Kyle’s a douche.”

“Hahaha! Sarah!”

“Well, he is. I didn’t want to believe that. I wanted to believe that since you chose to marry him, and you’re awesome, that he was awesome by association. But no. He’s a douche: at best, useless, and at worst, harmful to women.”

“Omigosh, you’re terrible!” Leanne giggled.

“Yes. I’m a monster. I know this. But I’m your monster. I’m on Team Leanne.”

“Kyle is terribly afraid of you.”

“He should be. Fucker. I wish Marge and Homer were meaner. I’d teach them to bite him on the ass.” Marge was currently lying on her back next to Sarah on the sofa, relishing a belly rub. Homer was lying on his back on the floor at Sarah’s feet, also graciously accepting a belly rub from Sarah’s socked left foot. Homer wasn’t picky. “You guys are shitty attack dogs,” she directly addressed them as she continued to pet them both. They didn’t even look up at her. Homer had fallen asleep. Marge’s left rear leg began to shake, an involuntary pleasure response to affectionate touch, regardless of whatever jesting insults Sarah paired it with. “Will you look at them? How does Doucheface not just love them? I think he’s got a screw loose. Only a crazy person wouldn’t want to just snuggle the bejeezus out of these bozos. Why do you mistakenly think you miss him?”

“I dunno. It’s Christmastime, and I’m going to all these fundraisers and work events, and I used to be half of ‘Leanne and Kyle,’ and now I’m ‘Just Leanne.’ Plus, I don’t wanna be gross, but I miss sex.”

“Was it really that good? How could it be? He’s a doucheface.”

“Good point.”

“And screw being the stellar half of a mediocre duo. You’re better as a solo act than you were with that schmuck dragging you down.”

“Maybe it’s my problem for wanting a Prince Charming. Fairy tales deluded me into thinking marriage was a certain way, and men behaved a certain way, but reality is way off from that. Maybe my expectations are all outta whack.”

“You didn’t want a Prince Charming. You don’t need a fairy tale guy to show up for scary doctor’s appointments and accept the mutts. Y’know Mark’s totally ready to kick Kyle’s ass. He was pissed enough about the dogs, but the whole, ‘I don’t need to be with my wife for an emergency dialysis appointment’ makes him wanna shatter kneecaps…and Mark’s not Prince Charming.”

“Said the girl whose husband bought her a freaking chocolate shop. In real life. You sure he’s not Prince Charming?” Leanne chuckled.

“He’s bad ass, no doubt about it. But yeah, I’m sure. Prince Charming isn’t perpetually car shopping, and he never leaves the seat up.”


“Mark’s just a good man. That’s what you want. And that’s not too much to ask. You deserve at least that.”

“Online really worked out for you, huh?”

“Hell yeah, it did. Mark is The Man. And no way I’d have ever met him without the dating service. Won’t lie, though. Went out with some duds before I found him.”

“So, expect duds?”

“Not ‘expect.’ That’s pretty negative. I don’t want you to go in negative…maybe just accept duds are a possibility. And hell, even the guys I went out with before Mark weren’t ‘Kyle’ caliber douchebags. People think online makes it easier to be dishonest, which is kinda true. But it also gives people a false sense of security with their ugly shit. Guy’s a racist? Not that he can’t hide it online, but he usually doesn’t. His stupid Confederate Flag fetish is showcased in his profile picture. You don’t have to go out in public with him to listen to him say the ‘N’ word with no sense of shame. Online, it’s easy to just say, ‘Next!’”

“Hahahahaha! OK. Still kinda worried about getting duped. Even if it’s not…y’know…traumatic. What if I meet somebody great and find out he hates dogs?”

“Did you say ‘must like dogs’ on the form?”


“Then no. Only Doucheface Kyle would meet a girl, knowing up front she has dogs, and then expect the dogs to disappear later. I swear, I don’t get that dude at all. He might be the only human being I’ve ever met that’s made absolutely zero sense to me.”

“Or I meet somebody great, and then they tell me that the sugar problems are too much for them and crush me?”

“No. If a guy says it’s too much for him to deal with the occasional health issue, then A. at least he’s up front about his limitations and B. you’ll know he’s not the right man for you pretty soon in. I don’t think you’ll get attached enough to get crushed. And again, Kyle’s an ass. A special case ass, even. A real man shows up for his wife when she needs him, dammit. He didn’t wanna look bad on the diabetes blog? Then he should’ve manned up. Hell, my Nanna Elsie told me when I was a little girl that if you don’t want anybody to know about it, don’t do it. Well, if he didn’t want people to know he was a doucheface, he should’ve just not acted like a total doucheface.”

“You’re gonna have me using the word ‘doucheface’ in casual conversation,” Leanne snickered.

“I’ll try to stop swearing. Kyle brings it out in me, though.”

“I know. And it’s kinda why I talk to you about it. Which is mean of me, but whatever.”

“Amen, babe. Hey…a little serious advice on online dating?”

“Of course!”

“Don’t wait for who comes for you. Look for who you want. You know what you want better than anyone else, and we’re well into the 21st Century. You go get who you want when you find him. All the duds? They found me. I found Mark. I’m not saying Mr. Right won’t come and get you. He could. Just saying. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.”

“No one’s ‘come to get me’ so far.”

“It’s only been a week. But again…shop around. Don’t wait to be picked up.”

“Yeah. I can do that.”


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