Quarantine Comedy

OK, so J and I have been ordering two weeks worth of groceries at a time since mid-March and picking the order up curbside, in an effort to not only protect ourselves, but grocery store workers. We aren’t going into the store at all. We’re only putting in one big order once every 2 weeks and only going to curbside pick-up once every 2 weeks. It limits human contact as much as we can as a family of 3.

J has been working from home since the last week of March. When he goes back (either next week or the week after that), he’ll be wearing a face mask every day and showering as soon as he gets home. I’m not looking forward to him going back. The Boy is still doing at home instruction and his ‘last day of school’ has been moved up about 10 days. Because state standardized testing has been canceled for this year. He won’t enter his school building again until 7th grade starts up in August. Probably. I guess we’ll see.

We aren’t going to see our family…not even our parents or siblings other than to drop off supplies. Did I mention we’re also shopping for J’s father, and adding on things to our list for my parents and J’s sister when they need items too? Did I mention that we’re taking my parents’ and my brother’s recycling items because we have neighborhood curbside pick up and they don’t? Well, now I did. We don’t have contact with them when they drop off their recycling. They just put it in our outside can and drive away. So we can still limit human contact.
The Boy is not only not seeing his friends and teachers at school like normal, but he’s also not playing with them in the neighborhood to limit exposure. He’s only sending them texts and seeing them on digital classroom meetings and playing the occasional online video game with a couple of them.
We’re not going to the zoo. We’ve had canceled field trips. We canceled our planned summer RV trip. I didn’t see my friend E at the end of March. I won’t get to visit my best friend again this year. J isn’t going on his yearly motorcycle trip. At best, we might be able to take the RV to a restaurant we like farther into our state, pick up take-out, eat it in the RV in the parking lot, and drive back home in about a month or two.

None of that shit is funny.
But back to the adaptive grocery store trips…

Our family’s traditional routine used to be, on Mondays, I’d drop The Boy off at school, and on my way home from the drop off, I’d go to the grocery store in the early morning for our family’s upcoming week (to avoid human contact…see anxious introversion can be good for your health! I guess). With a list I wrote myself in my own shorthand of the things I’d need to prepare breakfasts and pack lunches and cook dinners for a week. Now we’re all home all day every day, and J put the grocery app for online orders and curbside pick ups on his phone, so we sort of cobble a list together…together. J isn’t used to grocery shopping or making grocery lists. We have a division of labor at home that makes sense for us during normal historical times, and that’s my area. I’m a full time homemaker. I prepare all the meals. I used to the be one to do all the shopping, but now that’s more anxiety inducing than it used to be (I’ve never liked going shopping…even for food…that’s not new for spring of 2020). So J types the list into this app and then I put my face mask on and I go pick it up from the lovely folks still going to work every day to load up my car with food and milk.
We had a scheduled food pick up yesterday. The grocery worker comes out (in his/her face mask) and confirms your name and hands you a list of things they were unfortunately out of stock on and a list of things they substituted for what you asked for if they could and it kind of makes me sad that this worker always sort of expects me to be upset with them. It lets me know they are dealing with people every day who do get upset with them for substituting a peanut butter or mayonnaise brand or being out of flour or frozen pizzas or something. I’m never upset with them. I’m grateful they are still working so I can safely feed my family. I’m sorry anyone has to go into work so I can safely feed my family. That’s not funny either. But THIS is…(I promise the funny part is coming…at least…J and I thought it was funny).

J making the list…

J: What do we need?
Me: More fruit than last time. We ran out of fresh fruit with like 4 days left. So order maybe 2 more things please. Add something hardy like a melon maybe. Something that will keep longer in the refrigerator. And we’ll obviously eat like berries and bananas FIRST.
J: OK. <clicks a few times on his phone>

I trust J implicitly. It’s one of the things I am most grateful for in our life together. It’s hard for me to trust people. But not J. I assume that all the clicks he made on that grocery list were the correct ones without checking or questioning it. So our quarantine grocery routine is, J comes downstairs when I get home from pick up and helps me take everything out of bags downstairs and we get rid of the bags quickly and put the groceries away and wash our hands. Unpacking yesterday, we unpacked a bag of apples and a bag of grapes and a container of strawberries and a cantaloupe and…ONE banana. One. One banana.


At first? It wasn’t funny. Because we thought, ‘Damn, did we get the LAST banana this morning? Like…we ordered bananas and there was only one left when they got to our order and this is it?’ <Exchanged sad/concerned faces>
And then (because our list accumulates over about 10 days now when we think of things to add), we thought, did we order bananas at all? Maybe someone else’s order had bananas and one rogue banana separated from the bunch and accidentally fell into our bags. <Mildly humorous>
So J checked the order when we’d finished washing up.

He actually ordered 1 banana.

App: How many of this item?
J: 1

Me: Really?!?! 😀 😀 😀
J; I thought that meant how many BUNCHES.
Me: Bunches contain different numbers of bananas. Omigosh. <almost dies…J is now also laughing> You have to tell them how many bananas. I…hahahahaha!
J: The next time I order, I’m going to type ‘6.’ And if we get 6 bunches of bananas, I don’t even know. I give up. 😀 😀 😀

So there you go folks. I was pretty dark with the last post here, and I’m still not feeling too awesome and sunshine-y like my normal positive self. I’m working on it, though. And…that was funny. ^^^^
There are still laughs to be had and there is still love to be shared.

Still stay inside if you can.
Wash your hands.
Wear your mask if you go out in public.
Help someone if you can. ❤

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